Read My Mind
by Kurisutaru1
Summary: Sirius Black reflects back on feelings for James that have not yet been forgotten, but just tucked away someplace where he never wants to find them again. He doesn't want to do the wrong thing and hurt Harry...
1. Warnings and Comments

This part is only warnings my comments on why I am writing this, and copyright. These are my opinions, and if you don't like them you don't have to read my story. If you don't care to read the comments and warnings beforehand, you can just skip right to the story.  
  
WARNINGS  
  
Sirius' thoughts about James and Harry.  
  
Some dirty thoughts (Heh heh heh...)  
  
The thoughts are slash (Yaoi, Shounen Ai, Boy Love, whatever you want to call it.)  
  
SiriusxRemus hints  
  
There is not going to be any sex. ^__^ just thoughts about it.  
  
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Well, I personally think that Sirius fancied James. Why, you ask? Sirius never fancied any girl in school. He was always too busy hanging out with James. They did everything together, and were very good friends. Sirius probably kept his feelings to himself blah, blah, blah blah....  
  
Well, what was Sirius feeling when James died? Sadness. I also took parts from the book and put them in here. I worded them differently just so ya know. I just needed a bit of the hints that I picked up in there. ^___^ Yes...well...that's enough for now... o_o; Read!  
  
Harry Potter is copywrited to J.K. Rowling, and their respective company. This story is my own idea and is copywrited to me, except for the bits I took from the book. 


	2. Chapter One

"He's not James, Sirius!" A round, pink cheeked, red headed woman yelled, outraged. Sirius glared coldly at her, a hint of hurt in his dark eyes. "I'm perfectly clear who he is, thanks Molly." He said coolly, trying his best to hold back threatening tears, although no one seemed to notice the grim expression that had suddenly overcome his face. The red headed woman flushed. "I'm not sure you are! Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it's as though you think you've got your best friend back!"  
  
"What's wrong with that?" Asked a teenage boy with messy jet-black hair, brilliant green eyes, and a lightening bolt shaped scar on his forehead. The boy asked the question boldly, as if he was proud to be mistaken for his father....  
  
Colors and images swirled, tilting and whirling like a sickening carnival ride. Time seemed to have flash forward to the time when the teenaged boy asked Sirius if he could stay with him if he got expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Sirius just smiled at the boy, keeping his inappropriate thoughts in his mind and not on his tongue.  
  
'Your a twisted man.' A voice said in the back of the older man's head.  
  
Sirius tried to ignore his conscience nagging at him. He watched the boy, as a red headed man with glasses hurried him out the door. The boy waved to Sirius quickly before he disappeared through the door, and into the outside world, of which the older man was so deprived of.  
  
James.  
  
Sirius shook his head, his shaggy black hair gently brushing over his dark eyes, and over his slender shoulders, framing his pale face, which always made him look so ghostly. His eyebrows furrowed, causing a crease to form in his forehead.  
  
'Having nasty thoughts about a fifteen year old, and your what? In your thirties?'  
  
Sirius narrowed his eyes threateningly, although he knew the voice was nothing more then his guilty conscience. "He looks like James. I can't help it. He's almost...Identical. Except for his eyes. He has his mother's eyes..." Sirius mumbled to himself, as he turned to go feed a large creature in an upstairs room when the front door of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place had been shut after the red headed man and the teenage boy had left through it. The voice cackled wickedly.  
  
'Oh, but he's not.'  
  
"Shut up!" Sirius growled angrily. The voice laughed again. It was a sickening sound, like nails on a chalkboard. The black haired man cringed, wanting to block out the voice, and the thoughts he was having. Maybe he could learn Occlumency....  
  
'But that was a one time thing with James. He did--'  
  
"SHUT UP!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sirius Black's eyes had shot open, to find a very frightened Buckbeak. Sirius looked around. He was in Buckbeak's room, sitting on the floor, his back pressed against the wall. His shaggy hair was matted to his forehead with sweat, and his robes were soaked. He stood up, and tried soothing a very hysterical Buckbeak. He patted the creature's beak, and stroked the feathers softly. Buckbeak clicked his beak a few times, letting the human know he was annoyed at his sudden outburst from a peaceful sleep.  
  
Sirius had had a dream. It was just a dream, but what bothered the black haired man the most, as he continued petting the half horse, half eagle, was that he had actually thought those thoughts about Harry Potter.  
  
Buckbeak soon stopped snapping his beak at Sirius and settled down, purring softly as the human stroked his brilliant feathers. As for Sirius, he was deep in thought, and incoherently petting the soft creature. He had spent days locked up in this room. Everyone was worried about him, but were happier for Harry, who had not been expelled from Hogwarts. Sirius furrowed his brow. He had guiltily half wished that Harry had expelled. The older man was hoping that the fifteen-year-old would come to stay with him.  
  
Maybe it would be just like having James around again. Maybe he could....  
  
Sirius shook his head, shaking the thought from his mind. Harry was not James. Mrs. Weasely was right. And besides, Harry was not expelled either. Maybe that was a good thing. Sirius didn't know what would happen if Harry had been expelled. He shook his head again. He had to stop this. James was dead. There was nothing he could do. No matter how much he wished that Harry were James, he was not.  
  
The black haired man stopped petting Buckbeak, and reached into a bag that was nearby, and fed the creature a dead rat.  
  
"I am a sick man." Sirius said, resuming stroking the shining feathers. Buckbeak ate the rat happily, cooing gratefully at Sirius. "I suppose I could tell you anything, and you would never understand." He smiled sadly at the creature. Buckbeak clicked his beak as if to say he wanted to be fed more. The older man sighed heavily, reaching into the bag and giving Buckbeak another rat. Sirius' head was swimming with thoughts, as he watched Buckbeak eat, not really seeing it. That nagging little voice that was his conscience, had a point. He couldn't just move in on a defenseless teenage boy, just because he looked like an old friend he was once in love with....  
  
Sirius' breath caught in his throat. He hadn't thought about loving James in a long time. He had given up a long time ago, when Lilly and James had started going out. He was insanely jealous, Sirius remembered. He also remembered that something had started between himself and Remus Lupin, but that wasn't what he really wanted. Remus was aware of that. Sirius wouldn't have minded holding James' hand in the hallways at school....  
  
Sirius almost jumped through the roof when someone pounded on the door. Buckbeak let out a startled squawk. The black haired man didn't go to the door. He stood there startled, next to Buckbeak. There was another knock on the door. Sirius soon came to realization that it was someone wanting him to come out of hiding. Maybe it was Harry....  
  
"Sirius, please come out and get something to eat."  
  
The black haired man recognized the gentle voice as Hermione's. Sirius stayed silent, a bit of disappointment washing over him. He wasn't hungry. Sirius was no fool, and knew food was a necessity, but at that point in time, he did not care in the least. He watched Buckbeak peck at the ground with his beak for fallen scraps of his meal, feeling a bit sickened at the thought of food, let alone a dead rat. His stomach churned. It was a disgusting feeling. There were a few more knocks on the door, only a bit softer this time.  
  
"Please Sirius."  
  
The begging didn't change Sirius' mind, although he felt even guiltier that he had turned a cold shoulder on everyone, especially Harry, which made him feel even more ill. Sirius knew that the teenager would love nothing more than to talk to him, but he couldn't help feeling a little bit of anger toward Harry for getting his hopes up on having the boy stay with him. It wasn't fair that he had to be cooped up in the home he never wanted to return to, as the school year went on, and he would be alone for most of that time. Sirius snorted at the thought. It wasn't Harry's fault. It was his own fault for thinking the teenager was for sure going to live with him. Besides, he had many people staying at Old Grimmauld Place for the remaining part of the summer, and here he was angry that he was going to be alone most of the year, and he wasn't spending time with Harry and his friends, before they had to leave....  
  
Well, Remus did say he was going to stay with him most of the time. Maybe he wasn't going to be completely alone. Sirius had always liked being close to someone, but at times like this, it was hard for the 'criminal'....  
  
"Fine then. If that's the way you're going to be..."  
  
Sirius barely heard the words as Hermione retreated away from the room, and down the stairs. The black haired man stared, unseeing at the large creature only a few feet away. Ever since he had laid eyes on Harry, he had seen nothing but James. It was true he thought Harry was James at times. Sometimes he even convinced himself that Harry was that boy he was best friends with so long ago. Guilt was building up on the older man, and Sirius didn't know if he could take much anymore. But after all, he was putting all of this onto himself. He placed his hand on his forehead, and laughed at himself. The black haired man paid no mind to Buckbeak, who was staring at him through his large eyes as if the human were mad. He just stood there, laughing at himself for being so stupidly childish.  
  
Of course Sirius didn't deserve to be the most wanted man by the Ministry of Magic.  
  
Of course he didn't commit the crimes he had been charged for.  
  
Of course he wasn't a dangerous man.  
  
But Sirius realized....  
  
Harry Potter did need to be protected from him. 


End file.
